I think of her every year at this time. I think of her at other times during the year too, but especially now when the Bradford pears are blooming, when the weather is warming, when the trees are budding. And this evening I thought of her for a long time. I remember the first day I met her like it was yesterday. It was more about seven years ago to be exact. I often wonder now if she knew how very, very scared I was. I suspect she did. I still wonder if she thought I was an air head. I suspect she did. I wonder if she ever realized how very much she taught me, I suspect she did. I wonder if she really liked my shoes, I suspect she did. For the better part of two years I spent about hour to hour and half, twice a week, on her couch. No, she wasn't my therapist. Not that I didn't or don't need one and truth be told, she probably thought, "this girl can be slightly on the crazy side."
And tonight I thought of her for a long time, and hope she is having a grand time and saving a place for me.
The Daily Office reading today is from the gospel of Mark. Personally, not my favorite read. Not the gospels, just Mark in particular. Mark's Jesus is always in a hurry, warning people to keep their mouths shut and the disciples are portrayed less than favorably and the original text ends with the words, "And they were so afraid." There is a lot of fear running around in Mark. Mark's gospel was her favorite. Her very favorite. I am not sure but I think she had the entire text memorized. She laughed at me when I told her I didn't like Mark. She laughed hard. She said, "you must not fish or like fish sandwiches." She was right on both accounts. Not only did she like to fish, she loved fish sandwiches.
And tonight's text was about walking on water. She told me once, "I just wonder exactly how long he let them struggle against the wind, just how long? Probably all night long. I wonder if he sat right there up on the beach laughing his head off. I wonder if he thought, Hmm..if y'all didn't get the whole feeding miracle thing, is there really any hope that you are going to get walking on water? Probably not." And then she laughed very hard and said, "You know they didn't get it, and not only that, he planned to pass them by till they starting calling ghost busters. And I am thinking that's when he said, "gotcha ya', didn't I?"
I loved that woman. She could make me laugh like no one else. She gave the best hugs I have ever had, ever. She told me not to be scared too...EVER. She was the first hospice patient, I ever introduced myself as "I am going to be your nurse." She was a nurse too. She raised five children. She loved Dewey's cake. She could cook like nobody else. She could sing. And she could pray...man, could she ever pray. I remember one day I was going to see her, and a Bradford pear split in two as I was driving under it. This huge limb fell on my car as I was driving and I kept going. Didn't even stop. I was telling her about it and she said, "Have you ever considered a slower pace? You really don't have to rush all the time. You might get killed. Trees are famous for that you know." Good point.
I will never, ever forget her last two weeks here. She had always met me at the door for every visit, till those last two weeks. I called and she said, "Honey, I am just going to leave the door open and you just come on in and come on back to the bedroom." I knew then it would not be long. I cried the first time and every time after that I had to open the door and she wasn't standing there, waiting to give me a hug. Truth be told, every time I returned to my car to leave, I sobbed over my steering wheel.
She told me not to be afraid. She told never, ever to worry. She told me that forever she would watch over me and "that boy of yours" and that she "would always have my back." (I am not quite sure why she wasn't going to watch over Vance, but that would be another story for another day). She told it was the best thing about dying...She said "now I get to watch over you all and I get to make sure everybody I love is protected. Now I get to be the angel watching and not waiting on the angel to watch me. I get to pray for all of you from the best seat in the house." She said never, ever worry about your life so much that you forget to live. She said never, ever worry about being hurt so much that you forget to love. She said never, ever get so caught up in thinking about yourself that you can not think of anyone else. She said never, ever let anybody steal your joy. She said never, ever get so focused on the what ifs that you can't enjoy the now. She said never, ever be too busy to pray, because you are always going to need it.
She had her home going on the Thursday before Easter. She died just like she lived- at peace, no worry, full of love, full of joy and enjoying that very last bite of fish...enjoying every bite. And I suspect on many, many a day, she sits down and looks at Jesus and just laughs and laughs, and says, "exactly how long do you think she is going to struggle against that wind?"
Grateful for the woman who was the first to teach me to say, "I say Grace."
Kathleen
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