It sometimes amazing to me what you can find tucked away in familiar passages of the Bible. It is amazing what shines through the sometimes supposed cracks. When the Bible touches you it reaches across all those centuries and touches you with a sentence or a phrase, there’s something very special that convinces you on a deeply human level that God speaks through this book because God knows you and your innermost struggles. And you know that you know that you know…
The lectionary has us read the gospel of John today. It is probably my least favorite post resurrection story. Jesus calls Thomas out a little bit, for doubting. And doubt is a constant companion in my life. I am not held together by theological concrete. If you need someone to talk about absolutes or certainties about faith and a life in God, I am not your gal. If you need someone to give a testimony about how all doubt has vanished, you probably better call someone else.
You see, I am one of those people who can wonder if God exists. Some days I see the universe as a vast and empty place, lacking any sort of divine presence or divine plan. Oh, I can frequently see it filled majesty and glory of God and all of the created energy and love that sustains it. But not all the time. I am not sure if it is an occupational hazard or if I just feel things more deeply than others or see things in a different light. Sometimes tragedy, pain, dark emotions, fear, aloneness, age, disappointment, grief…well, they visit me and hang out for a while and I doubt.
“The doubt (italics, mine) came in an instant, more sudden than the weather. But I can stay in this for five more minutes, I tell myself. I don’t have to exercycle or open a bottle of gin. I can ask the doubt what she has for me. I tell doubt to pull up a set. I notice she does not look threatening at all. She is clutching a handbag made of fat white beads and smells of rose water. I breathe. I ask her where she is from and she says over the mountain. I ask her what she has for me. She takes out a letter opener from her bag and tells me she can kill me if she wants to.” From Still- notes on a mid-faith crisis by Lauren Winner
This is my very human experience. I know a lot of things and experience a lot of feelings and see a lot of stuff and it is by the grace of God that faith wins out – and on many days, just barely.
According to some, this disqualifies me from attending seminary, pasturing or ministry in general. But, my experience with the people of God is quite different. I have found that when I share my doubts, my uncertainties, my faith journey and experience, tears well up in their eyes and it is as if to say, “thank God someone else thinks thoughts like these.”
So, if I were to have been asked to preach this morning and that is not likely to ever happen, given my doubt and all, I would have not used the lectionary readings today and spoke instead from the final chapter of Matthew. Right at the end of Matthew is the most amazing couple of verses.
Verse 16, "But the eleven disciples proceeded to Galilee, to the mountain which Jesus had designated."
Verse 17, "And when they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some were doubtful."
You are probably familiar with the passage called The Great Commission. It was Jesus’ last words to his disciples. Matthew probably borrowed it from Mark’s lost ending, On top of that mountain, all of Jesus’ disciples were gathered. Peter, Andrew, Thomas, Mary, Martha, Lazarus, James, and John and others. It was the disciples Jesus loved. It was the same group of people who saw his empty grave. The same group of people who ate with the resurrected Jesus. The same group of people who had seen and touched his wounds.
And at the end of day, their experience concluded with “I don’t know. I’m not sure. It can’t be…but it is…and how?” It is a powerful contrast. Some doubted even though they had seen the resurrected body of Jesus. Jesus doesn’t reject those who doubted and it obviously didn’t prevent their worship. These very people who doubted, had made the journey and Jesus did not reject them.
