It's Complicated

We have been around the sun almost 14 times now...and he will only be in my house for 4 more.

And I try to remember it all. And I try to remember it is not about the laundry, the dinner, the grades, the clothes, the crumbs...and if I really look I can see him actually shine.  Last night, I tried to capture his smile, his joy, his energy in a photo and I could not...but I remember it.  I have a friend who does not take photos because she wants to savor and feel every moment...and she is right...you can not live your life from behind a camera...

My heart aches when he doesn't want me to hug him in public.  My heart aches because he doesn't need me to tuck him in.  My heart aches because he would rather talk to his friends than me.  My heart aches because he is big and he will never be a little boy again...

"We’re a flash in the pan, all of us are, but once we are a mother, we never stop reflecting God, mother love, the way we go to them when they call, the way we pass it down."  ann voskamp


"Only God's love and the child knowing God's love will ever shape them into whole and holy persons..."

And isn't that my greatest challenge...

To invite him to know God's love and how will he know it if I don't reflect it?

How will he know if I focus on harsh discipline and always saying no because I am afraid he will be spoiled?

How will he know if all I ever say is yes because I am afraid he will not grow up secure and loved? 

How will he know if I protect him from every disappointment, every harsh word, every bad day?

How will he  know that God will always catch him no matter how far he falls if I never let him fall?

How will he know to live on his knees if he doesn't see me living there?

How will he know that the words written in red are true if I don't live them?

How will he know there is more if I live in fear?

How will he know that courage is best lived in humility?

How will he know that he is loved no matter what if I never let his heart break?

How will he know that he is never abandoned if I never leave him alone?

How will he know that there is always a light on if I never let him see the dark?

How will he know he can get back up eight times  if I never let him fall down seven?

How will he know that it does not matter what you wear, how you look, it  matters how you live, if I fret for him over these senseless things?

How will he know that life is not an emergency if I am always rushing?

How will he know how to breathe if I never do?

How will he know that worry never gains you anything if I always fret and worry?

How will he know how to love healthily if I do not love him in a healthy way?

And that a life lived in love, honor and compassion is worth dying for...because you have to die to self to live...

Because I know this

My love will fail because it is not perfect...
I will leave one day because one day I will die...
I can not protect him from heartbreak, loss, grief, the pain of living in a fallen world...
My decisions will sometimes be wrong...
He will fail as I will fail many, many times...
He will fall and break his heart...

And I so want to protect him, to shield  him, to defend him but I can not and even if I could and did...then he would never, every know this...

Grace always leads...and he will never be farther than grace can reach...

Grateful beyond measure for the complicated, glorious mess of mothering...it is an art...celebrate it...savor it all...the good, the bad, the ugly, the messy, the beautiful, the triumphs, the defeats because it is all so very, very good...thankful for red clay and washing uniforms, thankful for the smell of cleats, grateful for cutting up kiwi when I would rather sleep in, the dirty towels, the socks on the floor, the empty Gatorade bottles in his room, the sunflower seeds in my car... grateful he allows me to take him to school and that's when he will talk to me if I just shut up and listen....grateful for the 14 trips around the sun...
because I know this all too well...it could be otherwise...

Praying for all my friends who are the artists better known as mothers...praying they have courage, humility and above all the grace to lead their children to the source of it all...the love of God...