"And you will be the called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to live."- Isaiah 58:12
Exactly 53
minutes into Lent, I failed. With ashes on my forehead and everything. I have
to say this is a new record for me.
Usually I make it to at least Thursday morning. To make things worse, by
4 pm, I was trying to rationalize why Lifesaver gummies were not considered
candy and I don’t even like them. And I
didn’t realize until about 1153 today that Trader Joes carried so many
different kinds of chocolate. Who
knew? For Lent this year, I have decided
to give up meat, desserts and wine. I could never maintain a strict Orthodox fast.
In the Orthodox tradition meat, dairy,
fish, olive oil and wine are forbidden during Lent. However, octopus is allowed as is vegetable
oil. I am not sure what the Orthodox eat exactly during Lent, but I knew I
could never maintain that kind of fast, given that I don’t like octopus. Does anyone really even eat that? Meat, wine and dessert will be enough of a
challenge for me. I wanted to give up
parking lot duty, but I am fairly certain my principal wouldn’t go for that,
even for religious reasons. It never
dawned on me until today that food is truly not my obstacle to loving God and
my neighbor, groceries stores are. Seriously. I get into more sin in a grocery store and it
has never involved food or wine. OK, maybe
wine once, but never food. And to be honest, I am fairly certain that
the only chocolate that ever was stumbling block to loving my neighbor was
those special chocolate covered eggs. And we all know how that turned out.
Someone asked me what it was about the Ash Wednesday liturgy I liked
exactly. I didn’t really have an answer
for that question, but it wouldn’t feel like Lent to me without walking around
with ashes on my forehead. I was
introduced to the concept of fasting and ashes by a cardiologist, of all
folk. I was his nurse and every year on
Ash Wednesday his wife called me to
remind him to attend mass before he came home that night. Lucky for him, the hospital had chaplains on
standby round the clock on Ash Wednesday for the sole purpose of imposition of
ashes. I am not sure he ever made it to
mass, but he always had ashes on his forehead because I made a call to the
chaplain every year to stop by and mark him.
I didn’t want him in trouble with his wife. The first year, I didn’t want to hurt the
chaplain’s feelings when he came to put the ashes on my forehead, plus it
seemed such a waste to come all the way to our unit for just one person, so I
just pretended like I had done this my entire life.
But that is not the only reason I like Ash Wednesday. I like the liturgical calendar. (I also think
the Joel chapter 2 and Isaiah 58 is
beautifully written and I love to hear it read aloud, something that usually
only happens about once or twice a year in the church). Something about keeping sacramental time makes
me feel grounded and something about ashes on my forehead makes me feel like
maybe one day I might shine like all those saints in the glass windows at
church. Plus, it reminds me that life is
shockingly short and we need to live it and be exceedingly grateful for it.
So how did I manage to fail Lent before noon today and less than an hour
after I left church? It was going to the darned grocery store. I am
sure you all remember my Advent incident.
Pertinence, grocery stores and I don’t mix. (I am also trying to give up cursing this Lent
and I am proud to say, that I went to a baseball game tonight and have watched
10 minutes of the Wake game and have not said one curse word). I had gotten my organic bananas, (which yes,
I realize is completely irrational since they are encased in a peel), my trail
mix without chocolate and my cheese. I
was standing in line thinking about all the chocolate around me, when out of
nowhere a man rams his cart into mine, crushing my fingers and then breaks in
line. True story. After I rubbed my crushed fingers, I turned
to glare and say something very clever like, “I would yell at you right now,
but I just came from church”, or “I realize this is the season of pain and
suffering, but that doesn’t mean to inflict it on others,” or “I am guessing
you are not giving up rudeness for Lent this year?”, or “I do so hope what is
in your basket is to feed the hungry and poor and not your gluttonous
self.” Then I began to wish him ill or
at least a parking ticket or a migraine.
I paid for my things, stomped off to my car, inwardly fuming and as I started my
car, I saw him. I realized that he was
aged, he was walking with a limp and couldn’t really see all that well. He really looked sad too. And he was having trouble loading his
groceries in his car. And I glanced over
at my BCP and then it hit. The reason why we wear ashes or even keep Lent
at all. It is to keep us human.
True, giving up things might make us a tad more aware of our inner
selves and the stuff we carry around that God is (literally), dying to
heal. But I think it might be more about
becoming more humane which is to say to behave like humans. I honestly sometimes think that is what the
cross is all about. To remind us what
happens when we fail to be human. And humans do one thing that other living
things cannot…LOVE. If God
wants us to do anything at all during Lent, it would be to be humans. And that,
my friends is more easily said than done.
Particularly, when your neighbor breaks in line at Trader Joes. The next
40 days of Lent really aren’t about how much meat I give up or how much wine I
don’t drink or passing up Lifesaver gummies or chocolate at Trader Joes. It is about Who I am giving in
to. Lent doesn’t say it is not my
problem, it is not my neighborhood, it is not my child, and it is not my
responsibility. What Lent really says is… “this is not
happening on my watch.”
So as tonight, I try to wash ashes from my forehead and remember that
from dust I came and to dust I will return, perhaps, instead of “Jesus please
help me not eat meat or Lifesaver gummies…” it should be, “not on my
watch.”
All is grace…
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