Lord who lives in heaven and used to live in skin:
Did you ever worry about your weight and the fine lines and the sagging skin that flaps like a chicken under your arms? I am and do. I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And no - dear God, I have no idea what fearfully means. Absolutely no idea. Wonderful I get- fearfully no. Right now I hate my skin. It is too dry and flabby and my eyes look like raccoon's that have permanently squinted. And I feel bloated and I am in a bad mood because the sun is not shining at the beach and has not for the last two days and won't today either. At least it is not terminal. I know terminally bad mood people, Lord and please help to at least tolerate them because I do not like them. And I really need to loose 7 pounds. Not 5, Not 10, 7. So, since I am a little overwhelmed right now and in the middle of a breakdown because my baby is going to high school and does not need me much anymore and I know this is all normal and all of his favorite coaches won't be coaching him anymore at baseball and I love them and their craziness too and I will miss them and it makes me teary...I mean who is going to make me laugh all Saturdays now - "HIT THE BALL. THROW STRIKES. DO YOUR JOB!!!!" ...I am eating way too many carbs in the form of peanut butter cookies and bread. TAKE THIS AWAY. Not the sad, THE TEMPTATION to EAT. GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN. ALSO if at all possible and you have an extra miracle or two to give away today...the oil of olay products for mature skin are suppose to take ten years away...make them at least worth the 60 dollars I paid for them so I will not feel so guilty about not sending the money to Hati. And yes I am very sorry I don't have a heart for the poor. You could work on that too. And now I am crying because my friends are having to say goodbye to people they love and they are scared and I know people who are in constant pain and they can't find a way out and my car is totaled and we really did not want to buy a new car this year and I still harbor huge amounts of anger toward certain people who best I can tell were crazy in the first place and I really need to let that go...But I bet you are kind of mad at them too or at least I need you to be. And my shoulder really, really is bothering me again AND I am refusing to claim that AND I do not want to do PT anymore...so heal that too...AND I AM SO SORRY FOR WHINING....BUT then again you fearfully made me so you are not surprised at all...
KATHLEEN: I have already been over this with Solomon but I will do a repeat in case you missed the first memo:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-15 (NRSV)
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
I (God- italics mine)
have made everything suitable for its time; moreover have put a sense of past and future into your minds, yet you cannot find out what I have done from the beginning to the end. There is nothing better for you than to be happy and enjoy yourself as long as they live; moreover, it MY gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in all their toil. Whatever I do endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it; I have done this, so that all should stand in awe before ME. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already is; and I seeks out what has gone by.Ecclesiastes 3:1-15 (NRSV)
So basically, Kathleen- this is the season for leaving...this is the season for aging...7 pounds REALLY? Get just a little perspective. ENJOY what I created...it is perfect...and give thanks for it all because it all is for good...the all of it...wrinkles, flab, the last season, saying goodbye, people that get on your last nerve, bad moods (please do not stay in one and no that is your job to work that out not mine-I gave you emotions for a reason-just do not let them control you), and do you really know anyone past the age of 30 who has bore children that does not have wrinkles and flab? REALLY? TRUST ME: THE HUMAN RACE can be a discouraging lot to work with and they can give me pause from time to time and make me permanently scrunch my face up...
LOVE,
GOD - (I know sometimes I am just plain hard to get...And thank you for sticking it out with the Daily Office-it really is good for you. I told you I would show up).
One would think that I would get it by now but here is what I know to be true about me and I suspect it is true about you:
I am afraid of saying goodbye to ones I love because sometimes I get hard because of the hurt...GOD already knows this- after all Jesus did it too.
I find it hard to find faith to ask for daily bread...clearly Jesus did too...he prayed 7 times a day...
I think sometimes Jesus forgot all about us when he flew away...but I have memorized every word he said and I still get scared and I hold my breath...
I do not have a love that is patient as his...but I do manage to love now and then...
I forget sometimes he knew loneliness, need and BARELY hung on while his friends all fell asleep...
I know he bore our sorrows, I know he bore our pain, I know it would not hurt any less even if it could be explained....And I am only lashing out at the one who loves me most...
And even after I figured all this out...I still need to know...
Does God who lives in eternity hear the prayers of us who live in time?
I can not see what is ahead of me and I guess you led me here to where I am lost enough to let myself be led and I guess it is your ways and you are just plain hard to get...attributed - Rich Mullins
Grateful today for a thousands blessings,
enough food to eat that I worry about 7 pounds
alive long enough to have wrinkles
stretch marks from giving birth
coaches
wind and rain
sweatshirts found at the bottom of a drawer
feelings
the music of Rich Mullins
as always the BCP
ALL REALLY IS GRACE,
KATHLEEN
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