So, today, of all days, I decided to be healthy, support local farmers, buy organic, lessen my carbon footprint and be green. Clearly, I should have re-thought that whole decision. And clearly, being a middle aged, married, mother of a teenage son, who never has her collective crap together and can fall too quickly into the comparison trap; but does have great shoes, more than enough white blouses and perfect little black dresses and thinks it OK to wear pearls with jeans: I need to get out more. (And I do so love run on sentences and how they annoy grammar snobs). And given, that in my professional career, I have just about seen it all and seen it more than once, (literally and figuratively), one would think that today's little episode would not have surprised me in least.
I quickly ran into the farmer's market that sets up in the parking deck every Thursday to buy tomatoes. I just wanted some tomatoes. That's all. I should mention, that I occasionally get a little grumpy, OK- a lot grumpy because this little farmer's market takes up an entire level of an already overcrowded parking. And this morning was an exceptional grumpy morning because I had to be in a meeting by 7:55 am and they locked the doors if you were late. So, I was over anxious to find a parking space. Circling the parking deck twelve times to locate a parking space normally doesn't bother me at all. Today, it did.
That being said, I still decided to support the farmer's market. I walked to the first table that had a tomato on it. Wishing now I would have been a more particular shopper. I picked out about 8 lbs of tomatoes. The very normal looking, middle aged farmer asked me what I planned to do with them. My answer- BLTs. The very pleasant middle aged farmer, who in no way resembled anyone you would necessarily warn your children to run away from, suggested I might want to make a salad. I might add that he had dirty fingers, was wearing a straw hat, shorts with white tube socks and work boots. He proceeded to tell me he had some very fresh romaine, arugula and butternut lettuce. (The key word here is fresh...and not in the spring air sense either). I, being overcome by guilt because I had not even had one serving of anything this week that resembled a vegetable and the only vegetable my son had been fed in a week was a pea, decided that was a great idea. NOT. Normal looking farmer proceeds to ask me if I had a herb garden. (Well, once again, I fell head first into that comparison trap). I replied, "I sure do." And I really do. I just haven't bothered to use them in the kitchen since late June.
He begins to show me all these little bags of lovely herbs. (I know what you are thinking- the illegal kind). Thai basil. Lemon basil. Lemon thyme. Purple basil. Italian oregano as opposed to Greek oregano. French lavender. Globular basil. English thyme. Tarragon, french and Mexican. He lets me sniff each bag. And then he says, "Don't you find that basil sexy?" I replied, "Not exactly what I was thinking. In fact, I could come up with ten adjectives to describe basil and sexy would never make the list." He continues, "But it is so sensual." And here is when I thought, (and if my friend Freda were with me she would have had a witty come back), "Dude, even if you looked George Clooney or David Beckham, that so would not work for me. And BTW, has that line ever worked for you? Really?" The only answer I could choke out was, "How much did you say those tomatoes were?" I am not sure if I should be flattered or not, but my 8lbs of tomatoes only cost $3.50. I am also fairly confident that it really was basil in those bags and no some illegal medicinal herb. I gave him $5.00, told him to keep the change and ran. I thoroughly scrubbed those tomatoes. Apparently, I need a new perspective on the powers of basil. Maybe I don't see basil for what it really is. Maybe I need to experience basil in a new way.
This of course started me thinking and calling girlfriends and then of course and why am I not surprised, I was reminded of this month's readings in the Daily Office. This month the Old Testament readings have been from Job. Someone once said to me that they read Job once a year to keep life in perspective. Sage advice. The book of Job pulls away our illusions and presents life as it really is. Nothing is more valuable than a valid perspective. One of the most painful - but essential - blessings is the stripping away of our delusions and erroneous presuppositions. An innocent man suffers? Impossible says conventional theology. Job tenaciously holds onto to both sides of the dilemma and wonders..."Is God just? How does a good God allow the innocent to suffer?" Job even has the courage to place God's justice and goodness on trial. Job was willing to risk everything in order to know God. Job holds onto the unexplainable until he experiences the transcendent truth that reconciles his experience. His friends knew everything about God but Job engaged the mystery long enough to actually know God.
Job concludes his wrestling with God with these words: "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you." Knowing God and knowing about God are vastly different things. Knowing about God is the context for vast theological disputes that having been ongoing since time began. But knowing God -- "now my eye sees you" -- moves us into silence. We have no words to describe knowing God. None.
I confess this story does not bring me comfort. How can restoring a new family make up for the lost family? Does this story really make sense in the end? Is God truly just? Does the universe make sense? Can you even trust it? I don't seem to have the same satisfaction at the end of Job's story as Job does. And maybe that is the point. Maybe the experience of God can not be translated or given to one person from another. It is not enough to just to talk about God. It is not enough to know hear about other people's encounter with God. I think we must also be able to say..."I have heard about you with my ears...but now my eyes see you..." And maybe it is that slight change in perspective that brings us closer to God and it can't being given...it has to be experienced.
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