Otherwise

He told me I have something to show you if you have them time.  He who has very limited time was asking I who had all the time if I had  time...

I will be very honest, today was not my best day ever.  I was a little more tired than usual.  I have a slightly swollen jaw.  It was a busier than usual day on our unit.  I was hungry and I did need to go to the bathroom.  Nursing is just like that especially on an oncology unit.  Some days are just better than others.  Some days you eat, some days you don't, some days you go to the bathroom, some days you don't.  Some days you literally do not sit down for 12 hours.

 Those of us who have been a nurse like forever, can walk into the hospital at the beginning of shift and tell by the energy in the air if it going to be one of those days or not.  We just can.  I have learned now not to dread those days so much because if I lean into them, if I slow down, if I give pause...well miracles happen.  And we all needed a miracle today. 

I didn't recognize him at first.  He was a shadow of his former self.  He was gaunt.  He was tired.  And they are always so very, very young.  I walked in his room to draw labs and change his dressing.  I asked how he was feeling today.  He said he  might go for a walk.  We laughed about the food.  He said, "you know I didn't come here for the 4 star accomadations, I came here to save my life. BUT does the bread have to taste that bad?"  He was suffering from treatment related anorexia and malnutrition.  I finished up rather quickly.  I really thought I had more important NURSE things to do.

And that's when he asked to show me something if I have the time...

So, I sat beside him on that bed.  I took the time that I thought I didn't have.  He pulls out his 4G phone.  He wants to show the video of his daughter taking her first steps.  He has saved this on his phone for a year.  He wanted me to see it.  She was beautiful little toddler with curly dark hair and dark eyes that sparkled and a laugh that would not stop.  And she was walking for the first time ever.  She was so proud.  How much larger the world becomes when you learn to walk.   He played it for me 3 times and I never tired looking at it with him.  He keeps it close by. 

He said "do you have time for one more, I know you are busy and all that but if you could...." He who had nothing to do but wait for limited time to pass, who had stared at the same four walls for thirty days, who couldn't eat, he thinks I might be too busy...

That's when I got choked up.  That's when the tears threatened.  That's when I am reminded time is all I have and I get to choose how to spend it.  Spending time actually redeems time as I was to learn today. 

So he shows me another video.  He had brought his only daughter a basketball goal and she had just learned to dunk.  She was quite the little player and  she laughed with every shot.  How she laughed.  She even gave her dad a high five. She is 2 years old.   We sat next to each other on that bed, two different cultures, two different age groups, male and female, sharing time. SHARING TIME.  We laughed, we learned that we were both born in Virginia in the same city.  His grandfather and my father worked at the Newport News Ship Yards.  He went to Hamptom High School.  It was not far from the street I was born on and had I stayed in Virginia I would have attended there as well. Time slowed for a few minutes.  I began to breathe, I began to settle, I found myself relaxed and not nearly as hungry and really could wait to go to the bathroom.

And I found myself humbled. Humbled beyond words.  That someone who has little time wanted to share their time with me who has lots of time.  That someone would choose to spend time with me when he could have so easily shared it with someone else or not shared at all.  I am sure it felt good to show  videos of the lovely daughter.  BUT it was me who was blessed.  Me who was given the gift.  You see, I was reminded once again....I CAN NOT NOT HAVE THE TIME to sit on the edge of the bed, to look at pictures, to laugh, to share the moment with the ones who have limited time.  

I got out of bed on two strong legs. It might have been otherwise.
I ate cereal, sweet milk, ripe, flawless peach. It might
have been otherwise. I took the dog uphill to the
birchwood. All morning I did the work I love.

At noon I lay down with my mate.  It might have been otherwise.
We ate dinner together at a table with silvercandlesticks. It might have been otherwise. I slept in a bed in a room with paintings on the walls, and planned another day, just like today.  But one day.  I know it will be otherwise. Jan Kenyon

Grateful for the chance to sit on the edge of that bed...it could have been otherwise.

Kathleen